Set your goals...

low.
I mean really the lowest of the low.
Then you'll still have a chance for achievements! ;-)
Only two weeks left to the next chemo, and I'm crap.
Interesting how I change my mind depending on my well-being.
Why do they call this well-being anyway?
When I feel better I wanna to quit! Not to go through this again.

Today I decided I want to see 50/50. Think Monday around noon should be the best attendance for me. Too bad they don't open at 8 a.m. on Mondays.
Then I thought I'd rather own the dvd. But it'll take time that's why I should go to the movies.
Here it is: decision made. I'm going to the movies to see 50/50! Hurray!

And I didn't go.
Not because finally I was afraid I won't be able to... behave. Yes, I could very easily make a fool of myself.
That reminds me.

In Polish we have different idiom for that situation. We say 'make a circus'. Because it can be entertaining.
Few years back I had a conversation with my older one, who was then the little one and I was pregnant with the factual little one.
I was getting ready to drop the older little one to daycare and crazy fast drive to work. He was standing in a bathroom watching me putting on make up, and I was looking even better than I was feeling that day.
- Hi honey. Do you like mom's look?
- ekhm... You look like a clown.
My jaw dropped.
- Is that good or bad?
- Of course it's good. Now you can go to work in a circus!

Well, no any circus guarantied today.
I just simply had no energy for anything.
One hour until bed time left, that's my tonight dream.
But I'll see it!

today's achievements:
pizza for dinner, sure that was take out
but I was able to organize last week mail, and little one was ready for his picture day

First month gone. Two chemotherapy treatments. One day of school missed. And my husband is still alive after crazy, crazy week.
Next month we have more support.

50/50

I've got really excited seeing 50/50 trailer even have no idea what tv program was it LOL, but I thought I will run to the cinema on Friday!
The first minute I've seen the title I knew what's going on. My diagnosis! I'm having one foot in the grave. It's 50/50 for surviving the treatment.
Yesterday I've seen Seth Rogen being interviewed again. And now I don't know. Do I still want to see the movie?
To be accurate with my opinion I had to find it!
On etalk, Sept 28, time 10:48

Host: "...Seth Rogen's new film 50/50 may be about cancer, but that doesn't mean it won't make you laugh"
R: "We wanted to show, that even though something sad is happening there are a lot of funny stuff that happens also, and you can't ignore that side of it."

Seriously? Is it about sadness?
"Oh, honey. It's so sad your bunny felt into your oatmeal today. No, you can't sleep together. But it's just for tonight. "

It may be about fears, tears, anger and rage.
It can be about catching up, making everyday better, and planning for maybe non-existing future.
It can be about excruciating pain, loneliness, dependency and the border, where the dignity ends.
You can still laugh, make jokes and be crazy. But please, not the sadness. Why sadness?

Still alive after second chemotheraphy treatment

There it is:
My dear diary,

• Day 4: Now I remember! Forth day is the agony day. Nothing more or less. Nothing to add. Just breath, even it's hard. I'd like to write a little bit more, and I'm writing nothing. This is the day of fascinating ceilings again! 

-         Would you like something to drink?

-         No, thank you

-         Tv? Ya want me to connect the laptop?

-         Nope

-         What will you do?

Well, I’ll lie, look at the ceiling and breathe. Worse day. I remember after first chemo, I was lying on a bathroom floor wailing and my husband was shaving my hair... I didn't think I will ever like or need anything again.

• Day 5: Sleeping beauty day. You sleep, are falling asleep, or waiting to fall asleep.
• Day 6: Better day! More action LOL Showering, preparing food. And no pain this time! Even new dressing is finally working. Nurse asked me if I'd prefer to go to the clinic for change. Hello?? I'm not driving!!! For sure not for the next week!
• Day 7: Extreme challenge day. You have a meal and... rest. You walk downstairs and rest. But this is the day of making plans and small achievements. And the bread smells so good! I have to make one! Just as it was after first chemo. I should be able to walk to school bus on Saturday/Sunday. Too bad too late ;-) Next week then will be perfect!

Chemotherapy diary

yak!
They, the survivors (not me yet ;-)), are saying it's getting better. The first cycle is the worse one. I don't know!
What do I know? For sure I won't be cycle-path. I can't wait to live without the treatment! How tempting is the thought of quitting... But the truth: the second run is feeling easier. It's not what nurse suggested; that you know what to expect. I didn't expect any of that and I'm really happy the side effects are not so severe with just second run. Only... I don't know about tomorrow... scheduled pain day :-(

Dear diary,

• Day 1: Flu with muscle pain, chills and severe fatigue. Overnight (what night? 3 hours of sleep is not a night!) sweating that wakes you up and forces to change the pajamas.
• Day 2: Not bad, you can even eat with your family. Just remember about pills for pills or your stomach will kill you.
• Day 3: Disaster. Eat and drink all the time or your stomach will kill you, as you can not take more pills for pills :-( And if the stomach is forgivable then there is the nausea, and this lump in your throat that you can't swallow pill for nausea with. What a nonsense. Did I mention severe fatigue? No, it wasn't the first day. Walking down the stairs, upstairs, opening one closet, two drawers, and you'll fill like you've just run the marathon. That's the fatigue. And that's the 3rd day.
• Day 4: Hopefully will be better. Or I refuse to write about it! ;-)

As everything is getting much worse after neulasta injection I became suspicious. Am I in some clinical trial or something?
On day 4 the nurse is coming. Again. My skin forced them to come to change the dressing every second day now. It's not only me, who loves the PICC line. Now it's my skin too :-) and I believe still my medical oncologist favourite!

Turkey rice soup rocks! LOL

An Apple A Day

It supposed to be about last day, but turn out differently. You never know what life has to offer.
Then it's not about the last day before second chemo (hate it!). It's about fall and falling apples.
When I spotted small, inconspicuous apples I couldn't believe. But there they where. Even the French name is the same as in my first language: reinette grise!

Russet Apples

In the middle of winter, my grandpa used to go downstairs, into very cold basement, where he stored crates full of juicy, crunchy apples. Covered in blankets, crispy until the late spring.
Too bad it's not the best apple variety nowadays. Delicate in care, sensitive to frost and not very abundant they are almost gone.
It's not the only one defect of nowadays apples. They are on the infamous 'Dirty Dozen' list (I planned to write about one day), but with all the benefits it's better to have non-organic apple than not to have any. Just not only wash them, but also peel before enjoying this crispy, sweet fall symbol.
Definitely they are perfect as always for sharing and making friends :-)

My son won't let me die of hunger. He loves sharing.

Technically I'm prepared for second run.

Pills for side effects, pills for pills and pain killers with narcotics. How could I not hate it? In reality I'd love to go to hell or stay at home. Just not to have to go there. I only hope this time will be easier. Some say it is.

PS:

Still peeling! Not the apples. That would be too good. 

Peeling for appealing look

How long ago?
Yesterday, maybe two days ago I was laughing at Lucy's description of her house as "Seventies Monstrosity".
Well... I'm not laughing anymore. The only difference: our house is from sixties.
Right now it is a mess. We moved in boys together to master bedroom, so we could have separate bedrooms. But before we moved the furniture I said 'Why not to paint?' Especially because some of the old pain was peeling of.
Boys loved that fact, and were scratching the surface, pooling the pieces and hiding them under the bed.



Problem with peeling paint



So we are painting. We have the colors, and the tools.

Wait a minute. Not so fast! We should remove the old paint, or it will be falling together with the new one.

And it appeared to be a huuuuge problem.

Although it was almost falling down with no help, in other places it turned out it's been applied forever.

Tomorrow will be the last trial. If it's not working we better find new place LOL

It better work! As I'm still planning on living in decent place!

Pirates arrrr

The end of this summer finally feels like summer. Not that I'm complaining that I could breath for the last two months, and wasn't sweating like a pig.
I find it nice, when I'm able to cool my house just managing opening and closing windows, treating air condition as the last resource. We enjoy the weather.

Pirates, in pirates scarves

Mom, are you wearing your pirate hat? - the little one was watching me closely as I dressed.

Yes, I believe I'm wearing my pirate hat. - no option with home made haircut.

Can I wear mine, please?

So there we were, both wearing pirate 'hats' while playing with bubble swords.

Making bubbles

Yesterday I noticed I can pull my hair out easily. It's time to shave the 1cm that was left on my scalp, before it shows in every meal LOL
PS
There is something under my dressing :-( Not again!